A Struggling Optimist

It’s the day after Christmas and our house is in shambles. Yesterday was a rushed morning of opening gifts before heading off to the next event. We’ve already been to the airport to drop off Kyle, Levi is back at work as well as sleeping in his own place. Flat Ellie hangs by the tree reminding us of how much we miss our girl. Grace is sleeping. The sky is gray and moody, mirroring how I feel.

I can’t help but envision a day when Drew and I will sit here alone surrounded by our “flat” kids. It’s a depressing thought.

Making a “flat” Ellie seemed like a great idea. Actually 3 years ago we had made a “flat” Kyle when he went on the World Race for a gap year. We took pictures including his flat self doing all the things we do as a family. It was fun and let him know that he was loved and missed. It made sense to do the same with Ellie since she would not be joining us for Christmas this year. It has been fun. We have posed her in different pictures and laughed at how weird our family is. But today the fun was over as a wave of grief hit both Drew and I with a vengeance. Flat Ellie needed to be put away. Her hanging by the tree was only drawing out tears instead of the smiles that it was originally intended to create. Truthfully the grief we are feeling has been right below the surface the whole time. Christmas wasn’t the same without her. The busy work days, the celebrations back to back, the planning , preparing – it all has kept us from feeling the pain of love. Love hurts. We have invested years of our lives into loving our kids well. We may not have been perfect parents but they know that they are loved.

I’m so thankful for my relationship with Drew. Earlier he told me that he was thankful to be married to an optimist. I’m actually a struggling optimist at the moment. It hurts to love. Change is hard. I know that God still has plan for us. We can’t make our family togetherness our life goal or an idol. The Kingdom of God is bigger than our family, bigger than our house, bigger than my imagination or desires. I try hard to live in the moment. This moment today feels heavy with grief, empty and lonely. It’s okay to feel this way. Even as I acknowledge these feelings I’m aware that many of my friends are grieving too. It’s a hard season.

It’s time to put the Christmas tree away, pick up the mess. Christmas may be over but the truth of Christ remains. Jesus is our Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, God With Us – Emmanuel! My hands are open – nothing on this earth is mine to keep. What I know is that God will empty me, not to leave me empty but to fill me with Himself. Even as I grieve I know that He is breathing new life into me – into us. He is preparing us to have hearts like His. Jesus knew the pain of loving people who would later reject Him yet He never stops loving. I instinctively want to guard my heart, yet that is not the example I see in the life of Christ. My heart is currently all over the map – literally! I see my kids loving well in their circle of influence. This brings me much joy and courage.

Lord Jesus, Help me to love freely, with no expectations of being loved in return. Help me to be satisfied with Your love alone. Help me to love well the people I encounter today, to hug the people right in front of me. Help me to see the hurting and the weak – to point them to YOU. Thank You for being my comforter, my friend, my joy and my strength. Thank You for meeting me in my grief. Thank You for the gift of today.

Going Deeper

Marriage is a wonderful thing… it can also be a hard thing.  Drew and I have been married for almost 23 years, we have seen the ups and downs that marriage brings.  Lately we have been a little disconnected and I couldn’t put my finger on why.  I realized that this time of year we tend to get into a funk of sorts, mostly because Drew is exhausted during his busy season at work along with side jobs to see us through the long winter.  Our communication turns into a list of information to keep each other in the loop of what is happening in life.

Lately I have felt myself getting annoyed at almost everything Drew does and him being super defensive if I try to bring up anything deep.  Not wishing to debate and feeling like there was never a good time to approach what was going on I just stopped talking.  If you know me at all you know that I like to talk.  I stopped talking and instead starting praying, praying for some kind of breakthrough.  The weekend went on with lots of activities and extra people in the house and Drew and I  just operating on a superficial level.  Midway through our Sunday we still hadn’t taken time to really talk.  We found ourselves alone on the couch on our deck, all the kids were inside studying.  Rather than confront or pull away I chose to snuggle up to Drew.  I fell asleep with my head on his lap and him running his fingers through my hair.  When I woke up I asked what was going on with us.  There was a long silence – which I usually hate – but I waited.  His first response was trying to figure out what he thought I wanted to hear – which I also hate.  I explained I didn’t want to fight, in fact I wanted to grow deeper.  We both realized that we were being like porcupines.  An illustration we had heard years ago at a conference describing how we say poking remarks that jab.  With each attempt to get close we end up hurting each other and blaming the other when we are both to blame.  Without distractions and too comfortable to leave when the topic got tough,  I was able to listen to what my husband was thinking and feeling.  And because I listened, Drew took time to listen to me too.  I wish it would have happened earlier in the weekend but I’m happy we made time to connect and adjust how we have been communicating (or not communicating).

The Bible likens our relationship with Jesus to that of marriage.  I can see how my life can get so busy with distractions that I fail to have a deep connection that I desire.  I spend time reading my Bible and praying out of habit, with my list of requests, when what God is calling me to is to lay my head on his lap and be with Him.  When I slow down, drawing near to my God, He speaks to me and reminds me of His unending love for me.  When I chose to listen, my trust in Him grows.  When I know that I am loved, that I can trust my relationship is intact, it gives me great peace.  The same can be said for my marriage – when I trust my spouse, knowing he loves me and  that we both want a deeper relationship, it gives me peace.

“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love.”  John 15:9

Kingdom Journey

My son is on a Kingdom Journey with Adventures in Missions called the World Race.  (KylePetersen.TheWorldRace.org)  As I have watched him prepare for this adventure it has left me restless for my own journey.  I actually have been on my own Kingdom Journey for years, without actually calling it that.  We all have been on a journey of our own.  Some journey towards the perfect career or others may be seeking the American Dream.  I have wanted, since I was a young girl, to be used by God.  Sounds lofty even to me.  I guess that is why I spent years completely off track from that calling in my life.

I’m no one spectacular, no special gifts or talents, not beautiful or athletic.  I have fallen often but always somehow get back up again.  I’m not much of an evangelist, speak only English, forget people’s names and lack in administrative skills.  I’ve always wanted to be a missionary but couldn’t imagine what I could possibly do for God’s Kingdom.  Maybe that is why I have enjoyed parenting so much, I have my own small group of disciples that give me more grace than I deserve.  When I dream big it always includes going to the ends of the earth.  I have had opportunities to go on short term mission trips to various countries.  I always go with this hope that God will reveal some amazing thing I didn’t know about myself that He will really need to further His Kingdom.  The truth is I come back more aware of my weaknesses and shortcomings.  God certainly does not “need” me but He has invited me to be part of His Kingdom.

Every time I have ever stepped out of the comfort of my home and “did something” for God, He was pleased with me. He didn’t need me at all.  For whatever reason, time and time again, God puts crazy things on my heart and asks me to obey.  I never feel qualified and often times don’t even see any fruit in the middle of it.  There have even been times He has put something on my heart, I have stepped forward expecting it and in His amazing mercy I haven’t had to complete the task He has asked of me.  Through all of these seemingly insignificant events I have seen the hand of God molding me into His image – to see people as He does, to be kind, loving, grace filled and merciful.  Every time I have stepped out of my comfort zone God has met me in a real way.  I have experienced His love.

When I can feel the fear caused by the media or whoever about refugees, God has reminded me that they too are made in His image.  To open my eyes to the pain that they have gone through to get here and the pain they continue to have in a country that doesn’t speak their language, He has given me an opportunity to meet a family face to face.  I wonder at times if I am in their way or annoying them when I visit but God wants me to know their names and have compassion.  It doesn’t take any special talent to be a friend.  That doesn’t mean it is always easy.

The first few weeks of my sons World Race experience had him and his squad working on a farm preparing it for a kids camp.  The labor was hard and smelly as they cleaned poop out of stalls and white washed walls.  God met those young people at that farm.  He gave them strength and attitudes of worship as they served in a way that was not what they had expected.  I feel challenged too to have this attitude in my day to day events.  I work at a grocery store, not glamorous work but I view it as a ministry.  My prayer as I head out to work is that my smile will encourage people who are battling things that I do not know.  As I encounter the variety of people that come into our store – the moms with 5 kids packing faster than I can ring up their order, the Muslim women in their head coverings shyly looking down when I try to get eye contact,Couples on a date,Teenagers,People with sad eyes from who knows what, children pushing our kid carts, laughing and sometimes reckless, people rushing to the next event, tired people, lonely people, broken people  – I’m reminded that God loves each and every one of them.  They might not love Him or even realize He is there but that does not change the fact that His love is available to them… and He just might use me to show that love.

Luke 17:20-21

Now having been questioned by the Pharisees as to when the kingdom of God was coming, He answered them and said, “The kingdom of God is not coming with signs to be observed; nor will they say, ‘Look, here it is!’ or, ‘There it is!’ For behold, the kingdom of God is in your midst.”

Love Language #6

Shortly after Drew and I were married there was a book that came out by Gary Chapman called “The Five Love Languages”.  Since this first book on marriage there have been a number of other books for different relationships we have – children, teenagers etc.  The idea is that we all are wired a bit different in how we give and receive love.  We show love through words of encouragement, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and gifts.  It has been helpful to me to know that my husband’s main way of communicating love is through acts of service and physical touch.  I can tell you that these 2 love languages are the lowest on my list the other 3 are pretty equal to me, nothing really jumps out as being my primary love language.   I am beginning to realize that there may be another love language that is not on this list – Showing up.

Recently my daughter graduated and as I looked out at the friends and family that had gathered to join us in celebrating, it dawned on me that people showing up and being present for things that are important to me fills my love tank like nothing else.  I have family out of state that couldn’t make this event but I felt loved because they wanted to be here and I knew they would be here if they could.  Life happens and I understand how crazy schedules can be, it’s impossible for anyone to always be at events for every person they care about – so please understand that I’m not implying that people don’t love me if they don’t show up to events.  That being said, I felt extremely valued and loved by those people that took time out of their busy schedules to celebrate with me and my family.  I had a few friends that were serving us and left the ceremony to prepare the food.  I wished that I had thought ahead so my friends could have stayed for the important part.  Acts of service is not my strongest love language.  I don’t think “showing up” fits into the 5 love languages because I did not even have much time to spend with many of those who showed up. It’s maybe a wave from a distance, eye contact or a smile that shows me “Hey, I’m here for you”, that speaks volumes of love.

Thinking back over the years I remember how blessed, comforted and loved I felt at all the friends who showed up to support me at my Mom’s funeral.  I still feel awful when I think of not going to a friends Mom’s funeral back in junior high, I wish that I would have showed up to support my friend.  I remember when I had to go to court to finalize my divorce at just 24 years old, I was so scared, a friend from high school showed up and spent the day with me.  I still can feel the pain of being a teenager on parents night during my senior year of volleyball and not having my parent’s show up to support me. I have cried tears of joy when an unexpected person shows up and I have cried tears of grief when those I love don’t see the importance of showing up.  I have wondered if I’m just insecure because I feel hurt when people who I expect to love me and be there just don’t show up.  I’ve lowered my expectations instead of communicating that it is important to me, that I want them there.  I’m finally realizing that it is the way I am wired.  People are important to me and I strive to be there for those that I love.  I am not always able to show up which can be so stressful to me to let go.  I’m realizing that other people could care less that I show up, but would be even more encouraged by a letter of encouragement or a gift.  We all have different ways of showing love.

I was reading in the book of Mark, Jesus is about to be betrayed.  He is in the garden praying and has asked Peter, James and John to pray for him.  Jesus comes back to find them asleep and seems frustrated that they weren’t there for Him.  Peter later feels awful when he seems to be supporting Jesus by showing up only to deny him 3 times.  It seems to me that Jesus sees value in showing up and supporting people just by being there.  On the other hand, there is an account where his Mother and siblings show up, not supporting His ministry, where Jesus says “Who is my Mother and who are my brothers?”  sweeping his hand towards the disciples he announces those who were there for him as his brothers.  He obviously felt loved by those that had his back.

I remember a time in my own life when I was living in the middle of my shame, feeling the effects of the consequences of my choices.  It was when I finally lifted my eyes to Jesus, half expecting a scornful look, that I realized He had been there all along.  Jesus has been at every event that has ever mattered to me.  He showed up and waited for me to acknowledge Him.  His eyes showed so much love and compassion that I was drawn back into a relationship with Him.  I return that love to Him by showing up at events that are important to God.  Sometimes I wonder if it even matters. Then I remember how much it means to me when I look up to see how much someone cares about me because they showed up at an event that otherwise would mean nothing to them.   Some of my friends probably show up easily because they too feel loved when they look up and see a sea of smiling faces encouraging them by their presence.

Thank you for all of the wonderful people in my life who have been there through so many ups and downs.  Thank you for showing up, for sitting with me in grief, for laughing with me in joy, for the smile and the wave to let me know that you care.  Thank you for having my back, for loving me by loving my kids and all that is important to me.  Thank you for showing up even if you got nothing in return.  Thank you for those who are far away and show up by messages on social media saying you were with me in spirit.  Thank you for filling my love tank with love language #6 – Showing up!

Confessions of a Homeschool Mom

 I just spent a weekend at our state’s homeschool convention helping out at one of the vendor’s booth.  It was exhausting setting up, standing for 2 days straight, talking for hours and then packing up to head home.  It was also fun, spending time with my daughter, seeing old friends, getting away from my daily routine, encouraging and being encouraged by people on a similar journey to my own.  My job was to hand out catalogs, point people in the right direction on books they were seeking and being available to answer questions.  I tried to be encouraging as I listened to young moms just starting this journey, overwhelmed by all the choices but wanting desperately to make the right decision.  I’m coming to the end with my youngest a senior next year, already out of our home for classes as he takes advantage of our state’s PSEO program at the local community college.  One graduates next month and one graduated last year, it seems like yesterday that I was looking ahead with uncertainty wondering where to begin, feeling as overwhelmed as many of the women I talked to all weekend.  I felt like an impostor as I offered words of advice.  Here are my confessions:

1. I didn’t do it right.  Don’t get me wrong, we did quite a bit right but there was so much we could have done better.  We couldn’t always fit all the subjects in and I had to let it go.  I wanted to teach Latin, thinking that would help if they went into medicine or wanted to learn another language, sadly my Rummy Roots game is still in the box.  I often skipped the parts that required making a mess but would have been beneficial to the lesson.  In doing so I guess I encouraged use of their imagination as they visualized what their science experiment would have looked like had we actually done it.  We watched Bill Nye videos for most of our elementary science, even though I know he is totally anti-Christian.  Grammar consisted of Mad Libs, despite the beautiful grammar book I had purchased that I finally gave to a garage sale fundraiser.  Even this weekend I found myself wondering if somehow I missed out by not buying that colorful language arts program that I held in my hands every year but never bought.  It’s so hard to not compare with what other people are doing in their homes.  We maybe didn’t get through all of our carefully chosen curriculum but we have wonderful memories of reading all cozied up on the couch.
2. I used a less rigorous curriculum because it was easier for me.  When I discovered that there was a math curriculum that my kids could do themselves and it graded it as it went along, I was sold.  It was so discouraging to hear other “wiser” moms share with me that it was not a good choice because it was not rigorous enough to prepare my kids for college.  In the end I stuck with it because of the convenience – I have no regret.  I could have used a more rigorous math program but I am pretty sure I would have done my kids a  disservice by not keeping up with the grading.  It was a gamble to go against the advice of people I respect. In the end all 3 of my kids are very capable of doing college math – whew.  Knowing that all 3 of my kids used the same program but have very different aptitudes for math just show me that it is the student not the program.
3. I do not know how to motivate my kids.  It’s easy to feel like a failure when our kids are doing less than they are capable of doing.  I have tried over the years, and failed, to motivate my kids.  In the end we have had to let our kids feel the consequence of not always completing a task put before them.  It is a hard thing for parents to let natural consequences teach their kids, but so worth it.  There are definitely times to have them get their work done before moving on, we would never get through a day without enforcing a schedule of some kind.  I’m talking about the bigger things we maybe want our kids to succeed in: piano, sports, drivers ed, speech.  I have had to ask myself why I want my child to do this thing that they don’t seem to care about, and it usually points to an area of pride within myself.  The areas that God has gifted my kids in do not require the same degree of “push” because they actually enjoy it.  Some things will eventually have to happen but our child needs to own it.  We have learned to back off when we see that we are causing  damage to our relationship.  Nagging is not a love language.
4. I have no wisdom to offer any of you moms.  It is only by the grace of God that our homeschool has been a success.  As I listened to mom after mom this past weekend, looking for answers, I had nothing to offer.  I prayed internally for the mom who was grieving, for the mom who wanted her kids to be faster learners, for the mom with the child who had learning disabilities, for the mom with the child in rebellion, for the mom who feared letting go, for the hovering mom and mostly for myself, having nothing to give.  The answer isn’t in any of the books on those shelves, it’s in walking in a relationship with a loving Father.  The more I dig into the love that God has for me, the more I have to offer my kids.  I can have the best curriculum available but if I don’t have a relationship with my child it is all for nothing.  If I don’t have a deep abiding relationship with Jesus, my children will miss out on the most important person they can know.  Yes, my kids need to know math skills, life skills, language arts and science but in the day to day life it is their relationships that will make them who they will be as adults.  My children have been watching all these years, they know that God is the source of all of our success and the answer when we fail.  Every single day I pray for strength and wisdom to do the job set before me.  God has been faithful.

I am thankful for this journey of homeschooling my kids, it has been one of the best decisions that my husband and I have made.  It’s important for all of us to go before the Lord and chose what is best for our own families.  It can be overwhelming to start but I know from experience that God has used the hard days as well as the easy days.  When my heart is humble and I remember why we started down this road, I am at peace.

Empty Words

I’m sitting here wondering what to write, or if I should write at all.  My struggle is still happening, I’m still working through so many conflicting thoughts, that my fear is that this will make no sense to anyone.  But writing is my therapy and maybe there is another Mom like me who can use some words to encourage her, or at least reassure her that she is not alone.

I’m in a season of letting go.  I’ve 2 children who have graduated, one is married now, and I have a graduate this year and next.  I have homeschooled my 3 youngest since the beginning, which means that these past 18 years or so I have been completely involved in my kids 24/7.  Each child is different with their own unique struggles and gifts.  My only daughter will graduate this year, dreaming of being a teacher someday.  My third child, but my first that has an interest in a career that requires a college degree.

I remember when I graduated from high school.  My parents were not involved at all in the process of choosing a college.  I ended up at University of Wisconsin – Eau Claire because a friend’s Mom took us to tour the campus.  It ended up not being a good fit for me, I was lost in a sea of people.  Second semester I transferred to a much smaller private college.  Because of that experience of feeling so alone in making such a huge decision, I did not want my daughter to go through what I had.

It is her decision.  She had her choices narrowed down to her top 3 picks.  She heard back right away on two of them – Accepted!  Her top choice was a long shot and the wait seemed to take forever.  Finally we heard that she was on the waiting list but had not been accepted.  Up until this point she had said it would come down to which school was more affordable.  It seemed in my opinion to be an easy choice – my Alma Mater.  We road tripped to tour the other college.  I could see her eyes light up but thought nothing of it once we looked at all the numbers… it was definitely NOT the cheaper of the 2.  It seemed obvious to me which college she would choose and I was starting to get really excited.

On Monday Drew and I went to see “My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2”, I just needed a laugh.  I thought the movie was about their daughter getting married but it was actually about their daughter choosing a college.  The Mom was having a bit of a crisis as she let go of her role she had had since her daughter was born.  The daughter had dreams of going far away, even though her parents wanted her close.  I found myself holding back my tears, afraid I would go into the ugly cry.  I could relate in many ways to the struggle.

On Tuesday I drove my daughter to my Alma Mater, sure it was just a formality of accepting their offer.  After talking to the people in the finance department we hung out in a lounge for a bit waiting to meet with an admissions person.  That was when I noticed my daughters eyes welling up with tears, not a good sign.  The movie popped back into my head of the daughter wanting to please her parents, telling them what they wanted to hear, when all along she wanted the other college.  It was more than I could handle.  I want my children to be responsible for their own future.  I don’t want them to regret what could have been because they are trying to please me.  The decision making process for her is painful… she is so much like her Dad.  Once she decides, we will support that decision.  I played Dr. Phil with her and asked her what is the worst thing that could happen if she chooses “wrong”?  I think she realizes that God can work out for good even when we get off track, or just aren’t sure.  When I ask myself that question, the answer is far worse.  The worst thing that could happen is my relationship with my daughter is damaged because I demand my own way, that she misses out on some important life lessons because I took control and didn’t allow her to choose.  Worse would be the possibility that the Holy Spirit is leading her and my voice is louder.  I don’t want her to hear my empty words that are based on what seems right from my perspective.  She needs to see with her own eyes and trust her own judgement as she seeks God’s will.

The ride home was quiet as we both processed through our tears.  I was beating myself up for not seeing this sooner, feeling frustrated at our lack of communication.  In my mind I kept praying “Now what Lord?”.  Not about my daughter’s decision, she will be fine.  Even if she ends up with more debt then we would like, she is industrious and has thought of a plan to pay it off by teaching overseas.  My question was about me?  I have done this Mom thing for so long I’m not sure how to do me.

I see couples that are further down the road in their parenting journey and I know that it will all work out.  Drew and I  actually look forward to the next phase of life – adult children, grand kids, freedom.  What took me by surprise is the grief I would feel at letting go.  I have not cried this much since my Mom died 8 years ago.  It is like a part of me is ripping away.  This is what we had hoped for all along – to have children that love the Lord, who want to serve Him, who are independent people we can trust.   Who knew that loving could hurt so much.  I’m being refined as I figure out how to cheer them on without hanging on.  I need to focus my attention on figuring out my own purpose.  Thankfully my value is not found in what I do, but in who I am.  I am still the daughter of the King!

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

 

Love Is In The Air

Weddings are popping up on my calendar quite a bit lately.  I love seeing all the beautiful details that go into making the day special and unique for each couple.  I love having an excuse to dress up and get a date out with my man.  I love being reminded of the vows that we made before a similar group of friends and family over 20 years ago.  I love the anticipatory feeling as the couple makes a covenant of a life together, this moment marking a new beginning. I love the responsibility of being a witness to this new family unit.  I love committing to prayer their journey together, coming from their two individual journeys joining together as one.  I love when  Jesus is glorified through the union of His children.  I love the sense of awe and promise.  I love the feasting, the dancing and the joy on a wedding day.  Weddings are special for all involved.

It saddens me when I hear of marriages that have ended.  Unfortunately I have seen a number of marriages dissolve over the years, it is almost harder when I am not close enough to the couple and then suddenly hear of them no longer being married.  My mind can go into panic mode thinking “If they couldn’t make it, who has a chance?”  Other times it’s not a surprise, although equally as sad.  I was married for 3 short years in my early 20’s, it was a beautiful Christmas wedding.  The first sign of trouble was driving to our honeymoon destination, my new husband said “Don’t worry, if it doesn’t work out we can always get a divorce.”  Looking back there are many things that I could blame him for our marriage not working, however I was just as much to blame.  I couldn’t wait to be married, the IDEA of marriage was so exciting to me.  I longed to be loved and valued.  We were young and without much guidance.  I married his potential and when he didn’t meet that potential I tore him down with my nagging.  Being in a marriage where you do not feel loved or valued is perhaps one of the loneliest places to live.

Several years later when I married my husband Drew, I went into our marriage with my eyes wide open.  I could see some of his faults, but knew that living in close quarters would bring out both of our shortcomings over time.  It’s interesting to me how good I have been at wearing a mask to fit in to whatever group I may be with, so good that I wasn’t sure how to take it off and just be me.  Having failed at marriage before left me feeling extra vulnerable and I think I tried at first to wear a mask that Drew would not be able to resist.  Wearing a mask is exhausting.  Marriage is meant to be shared honestly, transparently and without shame.  We marry for better or worse starting from day one.  The problem, I think, in many cases, may have to do with marrying an idea, or dream, instead of a person with battle scars, wounds and dysfunction.

We all come in to marriage with preconceived ideas of how things should be done, rarely do all of those ideas line up with the person we marry.  We have worn our mask, and perhaps our spouse wore theirs too, showing each other the best of our behavior, talents and love.  It’s exciting being in love.  When life happens and our mask starts to crumble, we may not like what is underneath, our spouse may wonder who they have married.  It’s painful to peel the mask off, to see ourselves as God intended.  The greatest husband or wife is not able to fill the need we have for a relationship with our Creator.  He alone knows what hurts, experiences and examples have shaped the person we have become.  When you are raised in an environment that is not healthy, but you have never known any different, it is natural to continue operating in the same unhealthy patterns.  In marriage you have two people joining together from different experiences, the key is finding a common ground to build on.   Thankfully, through a commitment to God’s Word and to  some amazing examples in our church family, Drew and I were able to build our family with a purpose of reflecting the love of Jesus Christ.  The love of Jesus is one of forgiveness, grace, mercy, compassion, loyalty, kindness and self control when we just want our own way.  Without the power of the Holy Spirit in both of our lives, we would have failed miserably.  The truth is we have failed often, but for every time we failed we had to chose to forgive, to move forward, to treat the other how we wanted to be treated.

Someone recently commented on a friends Facebook page that “Being married is so much fun!”.  That thought implies that all marriage is fun.  I would reword that “Being married to the right person is so much fun.”  But it’s more than that.  Being married to the right person is living without a mask, yet being loved and valued, cherished for being exactly who God created you to be.

Witnessing young love.

Healing Pain

Next week I will have surgery performed on my right hand.  Just looking at me you would have no idea that I was in pain.  My hand works but my middle finger won’t straighten anymore due to problems with damaged tissue surrounding my tendon.  This isn’t a new problem, it’s been going on for months but I kept thinking it would get better on its own. The problem started at work, using my hands at work doing repetitive motion has both kept it from healing and kept it working.  A well meaning friend who had worked in HR somewhere told me that since so much time had gone by it wouldn’t be covered by workman’s comp.  Thankfully they were wrong and my company has been great about all of it, but her comment kept me from getting help even sooner.  I procrastinate greatly when it comes to going to the doctor, and I certainly don’t have extra money to spend on a hand that works (even if it is weak).  One day I just decided that the pain was too great (and I have a high pain tolerance).  I decided that I don’t want to live with only 4 out of 5 fingers working properly.  Once I reported the problem and spoke up for myself I felt so relieved.  I wasn’t doing anyone any favors (least of all myself) by pushing through the pain and ignoring my need for help.  The surgery will require cutting my finger open following my tendon all the way down the palm of my hand, going behind the tendon and cutting out all the damaged tissue, then sewing me back up to heal.  The recovery has me nervous, it will be long and painful, plus I am right handed so that will be a trial.  As nervous as I am, I know that it will be worth it.  I have had a healthy hand before, so I can imagine what it will be like to have full use of it again.  I am willing to face greater pain to have the results that will come.  I know it will require painful physical therapy to push through to be whole again but it’s worth it.

I haven’t always been very good at standing up for myself, this journey with my hand has forced me to speak up and get the care that I need.  For some reason, I can feel like my needs aren’t as important as someone else’s or that it doesn’t matter.  I know many of you are going through incredible pain on the inside but no one knows how deep the hurt is because you continue to push through, smile and pretend that all is well – I’ve been there.  Sometimes that pain is caused by our own choices, our pride, unforgiveness, bitterness, sin in our life, unhealthy relationships or traumatic experiences.  I don’t believe that God ever intended for us to just accept our pain, endure it day after day and act as if life is fine. God sent his son Jesus to rescue us from a life of pain, to give us freedom from sin and give hope in the most hopeless situations.  It may require letting go of control, putting your trust in the only One qualified to see the big picture and do the necessary surgery on your heart.  He will cut out the damaged tissue if you let him.  It will be painful as you cut out unhealthy relationships, set up healthy boundaries, forgive, set aside your pride, cast out blame and get help to rebuild on a healthy clean platform.  Without God’s loving guidance I don’t know if it’s possible.

I have lived through the hurt of divorce, the hurt of a rebellious teen, the hurt of death, the hurt of betrayal, the hurt of rejection and the hurt of failures.  In all of these situations my first reaction has been to blame someone (or God) for the pain.  True, we live in a broken world and “hurting people hurt people”.  It wasn’t until I realized that I can’t change other people or their reaction to me that I found freedom.  There is freedom to heal when the only one I need to control or change is myself.  I don’t own other people and their choices, even when those choices affect me and those I love.  It’s not unloving to release people from causing pain in your life by setting up boundaries.  I realize that in some cases this will require the help of someone trained to counsel through abusive or controlling relationships – you are worth it, get the help you need.

I’m here to say that after identifying pain, going through even more pain of healing, there is great joy.  I have had new life restored after many of my most painful seasons of life – I have a wonderful husband, teens that love the Lord, a newly married oldest son (and beautiful daughter-in-law) who survived his teen years with our relationship intact, a hope that I will see my Mom again in heaven someday, many wonderful deep friendships and from every failure I learn once again how great my God is and how NOTHING can take away His love for me.

 

 

 

Home Alone

I am home alone today!  This hasn’t happened in so long that I can’t remember when I had more than a few moments in my house without another person being here.  I really needed this day to unburden myself, spending time in the presence of God.  Life has been so busy with us going on vacation right after the holidays.  Our vacation took us to the Grand Canyon as we headed to Las Vegas for my son Chris’s wedding.  Looking at the Grand Canyon on a snowy/cloudy day reminded me of how I was feeling about God.  I knew the canyon was there in it’s vastness but I could only see a portion of it, the rest I just believed by faith that it was there.  The same was true with my relationship with God, I could see Him only partially, my faith knows that He is there and far more beautiful than I can imagine.

Maybe it’s the winter blues or circumstances that are beyond my control but for whatever reason I have been feeling very discouraged.  I found myself listening to the voice of the accuser, believing the lies that somehow I was not measuring up, that I was a failure.  For years I was under the bondage of performance, doing everything I could to show my parents, my friends, even myself, that I was good enough to be accepted.  I wore so many masks in trying to fit in that I wasn’t even sure who I really was.  Until the day that I met Christ, really encountered His love for me, and came to the realization that I am a daughter of the King of Kings.  Nothing has changed since that day of new beginnings, my Father still loves me.

Today I finally took the time to fight the fight, to stand up to the lies and accusations.  My days of performing are over, my relationship with Christ has nothing to do with me living life perfectly, it has everything to do with the fact that I am not even capable of that.  Jesus Christ is the only perfect person who ever lived, He has my back and will take care of any injustice that comes my way.  The gospel of Jesus Christ is all that I need today.

Here is what God spoke to my heart today:

1. I am redeemed!  I am free from having to perform to meet His approval.
2. I am not defined by my past or my present failures.
3. God’s grace is enough, His mercies are new every morning.
4. I do not own other people’s problems.  I can release them in prayer.
5. He hears my prayers and loves to bless His children.
6. He is a Good, Good Father!

 

 

The Struggle

This post is for my Christian friends who I may have offended by my posts of compassion towards the refugees that have been all over the media of late.  My aim has never been to cause disunity or guilt, my aim has been to spur you on to love and good deeds.  I know this maybe missed the point with some people and maybe you have felt I’m attacking your view point – for this I am sorry.  I have struggled quite a bit with how there can be such differing viewpoints concerning the refugee crisis, and how divisive it is.  My initial reaction has been to be outraged (at least in my heart) at the seemingly lack of compassion.  I realize this is wrong.  Wanting to understand, and live in a way that promotes peace, I have gone to the only One I know who can help me get a grasp of this complex issue.  Lord Jesus, help me understand.

The first thing I realized is God has put refugees on my heart years ago.  Many of you haven’t thought much about it until recently.  It doesn’t make me a better person, God just put it on my radar and it went with my love of missions.  I have had years to understand the process, what is the definition of a refugee,  how long they have to pay the government back for plane tickets and expenses, how long most of them live in refugee camps etc.  I have met and become friends with refugees that have a different religion than I do.  I have heard their stories and my heart has been moved.  Life is hard for people who are displaced because of war.  It is not made easier by coming to a country where they may not be welcome, they don’t  yet know the language and they have to find employment fast so they can pay back huge loans from our government.  I have gone through training that has been put together through years and years of experience of helping refugees resettle.  My view has been formed before the media/social media made it into a scary thing.  It has been a process for me, but also a passion fueled by my desire to be involved in spreading the gospel of Christ.  What better way to see other cultures and reach out to them by being the hands and feet of Christ… plus I get to sleep in my own bed at night.  On the flip side of that, since I’m not committed to living in their land, I can get too busy or distracted by my own life and forget about reaching out to those who have resettled here.  Sometimes I feel that I have let my friends down because I have left them to themselves.

Secondly, God helped me see the fear people have through the lens of His Word.  I love how alive the scriptures have been to me lately in light of all the chaos going on in the world.  My reading plan had me reading Acts 9 -10:  This starts with Saul persecuting Christ followers in his religious zeal, but on the road to Damascus (which is in Syria), He encounters Christ in a flash of light.  Jesus said, “Why are you persecuting me?”  God used a vision to cause Saul to do a complete 180 and follow Him.  Needless to say, the disciples had a hard time believing and they were afraid of Saul… even though they had walked through life with Jesus and heard Him over and over again tell them to FEAR NOT.  Fear is not a new thing, we all battle it at some time or another.   It took one man to get to know Saul, to introduce him to his friends and the walls came down.  It’s not my job to worry about what other people are doing, if God asks me to take a risk and make friends with someone of differing beliefs, then I will do it.   My hope is the church will come alongside and offer love as God leads them.

Thirdly, I realize that we are all unique, with different passions and gifts but we are all part of one body.  I know people who are amazing teachers, preachers, some have a heart towards justice, some towards the orphans, some widows, some vets or homeless people and some have a heart for women trapped in the sex traffic industry.  None of us would be very effective if we tried to reach out to everyone of these groups at once.  That doesn’t mean we wouldn’t help if there was a need right in front of us but chances are we aren’t going to go out of our way to meet someone in one of these needs unless God put it on your heart.  I have served with my family at many different non-profits in our city because God has a heart for the broken and I want to have a heart that breaks for what breaks His.  Over the years I have met many people with amazing testimonies of grace because people were passionate for their cause and they came to know God’s love.  I have loved meeting individuals but haven’t always felt God pulling me to get deeper involved in their need.  But when I hear of opportunities to be involved overseas, or with cultures here, or missionaries, or translating God’s Word… I get excited!  These are the things God draws me to most often, but sometimes he wants me to serve in areas that don’t give me the same passion.  I just need to be willing.

Lastly, I just want to encourage my friends to be strong in the Lord.  If you are feeling afraid or confused, go to God and His Word first before heading to the overload of media.  Pray that God would give you a heart like His.  Your job is not to convince the world of God’s plan for them but to live out God’s plan for you.  When God puts someone or something on your heart be ready to follow through and join Him on what He is doing.  Living for God is about taking risks.