Next week I will have surgery performed on my right hand. Just looking at me you would have no idea that I was in pain. My hand works but my middle finger won’t straighten anymore due to problems with damaged tissue surrounding my tendon. This isn’t a new problem, it’s been going on for months but I kept thinking it would get better on its own. The problem started at work, using my hands at work doing repetitive motion has both kept it from healing and kept it working. A well meaning friend who had worked in HR somewhere told me that since so much time had gone by it wouldn’t be covered by workman’s comp. Thankfully they were wrong and my company has been great about all of it, but her comment kept me from getting help even sooner. I procrastinate greatly when it comes to going to the doctor, and I certainly don’t have extra money to spend on a hand that works (even if it is weak). One day I just decided that the pain was too great (and I have a high pain tolerance). I decided that I don’t want to live with only 4 out of 5 fingers working properly. Once I reported the problem and spoke up for myself I felt so relieved. I wasn’t doing anyone any favors (least of all myself) by pushing through the pain and ignoring my need for help. The surgery will require cutting my finger open following my tendon all the way down the palm of my hand, going behind the tendon and cutting out all the damaged tissue, then sewing me back up to heal. The recovery has me nervous, it will be long and painful, plus I am right handed so that will be a trial. As nervous as I am, I know that it will be worth it. I have had a healthy hand before, so I can imagine what it will be like to have full use of it again. I am willing to face greater pain to have the results that will come. I know it will require painful physical therapy to push through to be whole again but it’s worth it.
I haven’t always been very good at standing up for myself, this journey with my hand has forced me to speak up and get the care that I need. For some reason, I can feel like my needs aren’t as important as someone else’s or that it doesn’t matter. I know many of you are going through incredible pain on the inside but no one knows how deep the hurt is because you continue to push through, smile and pretend that all is well – I’ve been there. Sometimes that pain is caused by our own choices, our pride, unforgiveness, bitterness, sin in our life, unhealthy relationships or traumatic experiences. I don’t believe that God ever intended for us to just accept our pain, endure it day after day and act as if life is fine. God sent his son Jesus to rescue us from a life of pain, to give us freedom from sin and give hope in the most hopeless situations. It may require letting go of control, putting your trust in the only One qualified to see the big picture and do the necessary surgery on your heart. He will cut out the damaged tissue if you let him. It will be painful as you cut out unhealthy relationships, set up healthy boundaries, forgive, set aside your pride, cast out blame and get help to rebuild on a healthy clean platform. Without God’s loving guidance I don’t know if it’s possible.
I have lived through the hurt of divorce, the hurt of a rebellious teen, the hurt of death, the hurt of betrayal, the hurt of rejection and the hurt of failures. In all of these situations my first reaction has been to blame someone (or God) for the pain. True, we live in a broken world and “hurting people hurt people”. It wasn’t until I realized that I can’t change other people or their reaction to me that I found freedom. There is freedom to heal when the only one I need to control or change is myself. I don’t own other people and their choices, even when those choices affect me and those I love. It’s not unloving to release people from causing pain in your life by setting up boundaries. I realize that in some cases this will require the help of someone trained to counsel through abusive or controlling relationships – you are worth it, get the help you need.
I’m here to say that after identifying pain, going through even more pain of healing, there is great joy. I have had new life restored after many of my most painful seasons of life – I have a wonderful husband, teens that love the Lord, a newly married oldest son (and beautiful daughter-in-law) who survived his teen years with our relationship intact, a hope that I will see my Mom again in heaven someday, many wonderful deep friendships and from every failure I learn once again how great my God is and how NOTHING can take away His love for me.
happytobeahousemama 