Shortly after Drew and I were married there was a book that came out by Gary Chapman called “The Five Love Languages”. Since this first book on marriage there have been a number of other books for different relationships we have – children, teenagers etc. The idea is that we all are wired a bit different in how we give and receive love. We show love through words of encouragement, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and gifts. It has been helpful to me to know that my husband’s main way of communicating love is through acts of service and physical touch. I can tell you that these 2 love languages are the lowest on my list the other 3 are pretty equal to me, nothing really jumps out as being my primary love language. I am beginning to realize that there may be another love language that is not on this list – Showing up.
Recently my daughter graduated and as I looked out at the friends and family that had gathered to join us in celebrating, it dawned on me that people showing up and being present for things that are important to me fills my love tank like nothing else. I have family out of state that couldn’t make this event but I felt loved because they wanted to be here and I knew they would be here if they could. Life happens and I understand how crazy schedules can be, it’s impossible for anyone to always be at events for every person they care about – so please understand that I’m not implying that people don’t love me if they don’t show up to events. That being said, I felt extremely valued and loved by those people that took time out of their busy schedules to celebrate with me and my family. I had a few friends that were serving us and left the ceremony to prepare the food. I wished that I had thought ahead so my friends could have stayed for the important part. Acts of service is not my strongest love language. I don’t think “showing up” fits into the 5 love languages because I did not even have much time to spend with many of those who showed up. It’s maybe a wave from a distance, eye contact or a smile that shows me “Hey, I’m here for you”, that speaks volumes of love.
Thinking back over the years I remember how blessed, comforted and loved I felt at all the friends who showed up to support me at my Mom’s funeral. I still feel awful when I think of not going to a friends Mom’s funeral back in junior high, I wish that I would have showed up to support my friend. I remember when I had to go to court to finalize my divorce at just 24 years old, I was so scared, a friend from high school showed up and spent the day with me. I still can feel the pain of being a teenager on parents night during my senior year of volleyball and not having my parent’s show up to support me. I have cried tears of joy when an unexpected person shows up and I have cried tears of grief when those I love don’t see the importance of showing up. I have wondered if I’m just insecure because I feel hurt when people who I expect to love me and be there just don’t show up. I’ve lowered my expectations instead of communicating that it is important to me, that I want them there. I’m finally realizing that it is the way I am wired. People are important to me and I strive to be there for those that I love. I am not always able to show up which can be so stressful to me to let go. I’m realizing that other people could care less that I show up, but would be even more encouraged by a letter of encouragement or a gift. We all have different ways of showing love.
I was reading in the book of Mark, Jesus is about to be betrayed. He is in the garden praying and has asked Peter, James and John to pray for him. Jesus comes back to find them asleep and seems frustrated that they weren’t there for Him. Peter later feels awful when he seems to be supporting Jesus by showing up only to deny him 3 times. It seems to me that Jesus sees value in showing up and supporting people just by being there. On the other hand, there is an account where his Mother and siblings show up, not supporting His ministry, where Jesus says “Who is my Mother and who are my brothers?” sweeping his hand towards the disciples he announces those who were there for him as his brothers. He obviously felt loved by those that had his back.
I remember a time in my own life when I was living in the middle of my shame, feeling the effects of the consequences of my choices. It was when I finally lifted my eyes to Jesus, half expecting a scornful look, that I realized He had been there all along. Jesus has been at every event that has ever mattered to me. He showed up and waited for me to acknowledge Him. His eyes showed so much love and compassion that I was drawn back into a relationship with Him. I return that love to Him by showing up at events that are important to God. Sometimes I wonder if it even matters. Then I remember how much it means to me when I look up to see how much someone cares about me because they showed up at an event that otherwise would mean nothing to them. Some of my friends probably show up easily because they too feel loved when they look up and see a sea of smiling faces encouraging them by their presence.
Thank you for all of the wonderful people in my life who have been there through so many ups and downs. Thank you for showing up, for sitting with me in grief, for laughing with me in joy, for the smile and the wave to let me know that you care. Thank you for having my back, for loving me by loving my kids and all that is important to me. Thank you for showing up even if you got nothing in return. Thank you for those who are far away and show up by messages on social media saying you were with me in spirit. Thank you for filling my love tank with love language #6 – Showing up!
happytobeahousemama 