25th Anniversary

It was a cold and dreary day 25 years ago that Drew and I recited our wedding vows in front of a crowd of our friends and family.  Marriage is a little like living in Minnesota, you wake up each day to something new.  As in living in Minnesota, you can embrace each season, sit and complain or run away somewhere warm. We have chosen to see the beauty of each season, even the hard times we’ve met with hope knowing that better times would be just around the corner.

Looking back on all these years the memories that stick out the most are the good ones:  our children being born, buying a house, vacations, meals around our round table, homeschooling our kids, music…lots of music, laughing, eating, entertaining, camping, travel, mission trips, reading great books aloud as a family, watching movies, friends, church family, traditions, hours and hours on our deck laughing and talking, house guests, family, adventures, maps, homemade pizzas…all of the connections made together.  I love our life.

But know that we are not perfect, these years have also held sorrow:  parenting mistakes, tears, arguments, unmet expectations, hurt feelings, sleepless nights, worry, lost relationships, deaths,rebellion, job losses, poor economy and the stress that came with those tough years, loneliness during the busy work seasons, tight budgets…sometimes getting down to our last penny, sicknesses,broken bones, scoliosis, misunderstandings, miscommunication and just wanting our own way.  In the end, these things have caused us to stop and evaluate what is important.  These things have forced us to chose each other all over again.  These hard things have built resilience in our marriage and family.  These hard things have brought us both to the feet of Jesus – trusting that He will walk us through anything that might come our way.

If I were to pick 5 things besides JESUS that have made our marriage a success, it would be:

• We are not each others enemy so forgive quickly.  We learned long ago that we need to fight for each other not against each other.
• Be thankful!
• You can’t change another person – you can only change yourself.
• Our home needs to be a place of refuge – safe for all who enter (including us).
• Choose LOVE.

Intimacy With God

(Teaching from Debrief #1 of World Race Gap Year – S Squad 2018 – Cambodia)

How many of you when you hear the word “Intimacy” immediately think of SEX?  Or am I the only one? In fact, Deb (our squad Mentor) had sent us the schedule for the debrief time and she had an hour and a half blocked off that said “Intimacy Drew and Marie ?”  I immediately thought – “Wow, she thought of everything! You can tell she is getting married in a month.” Of course she was actually questioning if we would be willing to share on Intimacy with God.  But seriously, the word Intimacy tends to bring up images that make us wonder what in the world that means to be “Intimate” with God.

 

The thing is, sex is not true intimacy.  You can look around the streets of Cambodia on any night and see that that is true.  It’s impossible to have true intimacy with someone you don’t value. Sex was created as a gift within marriage – which is a covenant relationship created by God. But even within marriage, sex can be abused or misused leaving many feeling empty and alone.

In Ephesians 5:31-32 it reads 31“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32This mystery is profound, but I am speaking about Christ and the church.”

We have an enemy that understands the significance of marriage being a picture of Christ and the church.  He is doing everything he can to distort this gift that God has not only created but ordained. People are longing for intimacy and are trying to take a shortcut to it.  I shared my testimony at training camp and if you didn’t hear it I would be happy to share it with you. Part of my testimony was my desire to be loved and that resulted in some pretty poor choices.  I married a guy I dated in high school and one of the reasons was so that we could have sex without the guilt. I thought that by getting married I would finally have the intimacy that I really wanted.  Our marriage lasted less than 3 years and I never knew what true intimacy was during that marriage. He wanted the gift that God had created for marriage without the work that is involved to have a relationship of intimacy.  Many of us do the same thing with our covenant with God. We want the gifts – and the Bible tells us to want those gifts – but we don’t always want to do the little things that build a relationship. Just like my first husband wanted the benefits of marriage but wanted to be able to live independently.  He would sometimes come home at 3am and if I asked where he had been or what he was doing, he would answer that it “was none of my business.” We may not realize it but we do the same thing when we compartmentalize the areas we are willing to surrender to God but continue to have a foot in the world. It might just be not consulting God on decisions that we make or seeking wisdom from a source that doesn’t line up with His word,or stubbornly refusing to do what we know to be right.  My first marriage didn’t last partly because my husband was never fully committed… even on the night of our wedding he said “it’s ok, if it doesn’t work out, we can just get divorced.” I was devastated by the fact that he already had an exit plan and we weren’t even 24 hours into our marriage. I think there may be some of you that have a similar “exit” plan even as you sit here..and some of you reading this. Maybe it’s not walking away from Christ entirely but God has called you on this race and some of you are not fully committed… in the back of your mind you have an exit plan to leave if it gets too hard.  Or maybe your “exit” plan is just to check out and not fully let your guard down with your teammates or leaders or just not engage in things you don’t yet understand. May I challenge you now to ask God to help you be fully committed. (Maybe you are reading this and you are not on a race, but you are on a journey – we all are.  Is there a marriage, job, relationship…something or someone that God has called you to be committed to?  Consider that your race.)

 

Drew and I have been married for almost 25 years.  We have done some things right and made mistakes too.  The difference in this marriage is we are both 100% committed to stay together – there is no exit plan.  Not only are we committed to staying together but we are also committed to learning from our mistakes, forgiving and growing closer.  This has hit us both hard over the past few years as we have seen marriages of friends, who love the Lord and have been doing life with us, end or get completely detoured.  We have seen families hurting because the enemy has won the battle of destroying the very thing that is closest to representing the love Christ has for the church.  Some of you have seen this in your own family and are still trying to understand what happened or how it could happen. I don’t have answers, what I know is that it is not usually one big choice but rather small seemingly insignificant choices that erode the promise of happily ever after.  It has given us this urgency in our own relationship to not take it for granted but to actually have a plan to connect and grow old together. We talk more than ever about our fears and remind each other that we are committed to each other and our marriage. We are quicker to forgive and not hold a grudge because it’s just not worth it to give the enemy any kind of a foothold.  There is a battle and the enemy wants to divide and conquer. Keep this in mind in your relationships with your team/squad – the enemy’s plan is to divide and conquer. I encourage you to recognize and stand against anything formed against the unity of your new family unit.

 

So back to the question – What is Intimacy?  I believe the most basic foundation of intimacy is faithfulness and trust.  The Bible says that God is faithful and true… we can trust Him completely. We cannot compare God to any man and how they may have failed us because he has never failed.  To be intimate takes 2 – that means that you have to do your part to be faithful and trustworthy. Faithful to read God’s word, to pray, to listen and spend time with your Father. Faithful in the mundane of life as well as the adventures that come.  Can He trust you to follow through when He asks you to do something or give up something? He already knows everything about you and yet we can sometimes hide things from Him or not address things that we know are sin.

 

It’s interesting to me that the more I hang around someone the more I start to speak like them and act like them.  That can be a great thing and a not so great thing. Spending time together is a building block of intimacy. My husband happens to be one of the kindest people I know, this is one character quality of his that I strive to be like him.  Are you spending enough time with God that His character is starting to become your character? (Fruits of the Spirit – Galations 5:22) We don’t seek joy, or peace, or patience but rather seek the Spirit of the Triune God and His fruit will pour from your life.

 

There are times in our marriage where we are very busy.  I work at Trader Joe’s and will work late, Drew works construction and leaves early – we miss each other. We can go through our busy life and not really look at each other.  I can feel invisible or doubting my value in his eyes. I find that I get annoyed with him more easily when I have not been spending time with him… and he seems to get annoyed with me easier.  I have a theory that it is because we both become independent quite quickly and don’t have to think of the good of the other – we only have to think of ourself. Intimacy requires humility as we honor another and weigh their input.  It’s tempting, and in our culture esteemed, to be independent. But to have true intimacy there is a need to be dependent on each other to some degree (btw – this is NOT co-dependence). To be intimate with God requires us to be dependent on Him.  The enemy would want you to believe the lie that you can do whatever you want,that God is not good or that you don’t have value. But know that God sees you and He cares for you deeply. You are created in His image, created to be in relationship with the God of the universe – pretty crazy isn’t it.

 

Intimacy does not happen overnight.  It is a process of letting someone in to the deepest parts of you.  It’s inviting someone into your hurts, your fears, your dreams, your future – at it’s deepest core it is vulnerability.  Intimacy is being willing to listen. It’s also touch. When Drew and I go to sleep at night we always have to be touching somewhere.  He is like a heater – when we were first married I was cold all the time so that was great. As I get older I find I get way too hot and I don’t want him near me or I’ll overheat.  We laugh because he thinks he is sneaky and will just touch me in the small of my back or something with one finger but I can feel a hole burning into my back… we usually end up with one toe touching the other’s foot.  It’s silly but it’s comforting to know that he is there and we are on this journey together. When I close my eyes and picture Jesus – He is always touching me. Sometimes He is lifting my chin and reminding me to fix my eyes on Him.  Sometimes He holds my hand and leads me. Often He pulls me close and dances with me. When I am grieving – He holds me. Many times He has sent someone else to hug me – to offer the touch that He knows that I need. Drew and I are huggers – we believe that touch is an important part of being the hands and feet of Christ.  There is a song we heard in Cameroon that said “I need a touch from the Master, I need a touch from the Lord”… it’s true – when our hearts are heavy there is nothing quite like a touch from the Master. It He is asking you to touch someone today – will you be that touch for Him? Be sensitive to that person but even just a sweet little touch on the hand will speak volumes of their worth.

 

I’ve used marriage as a picture of intimacy but when I think of the most intimate moments of my life it  has been when I have held my newborn children. There is something so amazing about the smell, the feel, the complete dependence they have on me to keep them alive.  It overwhelms me.  That is how God sees us. As my children have grown, they have learned to fend for themselves and don’t need me in the same way. My love for them has not changed – they are still my children.  They are all grown now and I have to say that it brings me great joy when they choose to spend time with me, or ask my advice, or just tell me they love me. I believe that that gives a picture of our relationship with God.  He has given us a free will, but chooses each one of us to be His sons and daughters. He rejoices when we seek Him, spend time with Him, thank Him and show our love for Him.

 

Intimacy with God is understanding the great love He has for you and investing your everything to be in a relationship with Him and experiencing the divine joy that flows from drawing near to His heart. .

Inspired by the Young

It’s been almost a month since Drew and I spent a week at training camp for the World Race Gap Year that is launching in September. Training camp was amazing, if not a little overwhelming. Information was given to us at rapid speed updating us on what the culture is like at Adventures in Missions. We had an afternoon to spend with some of our leaders that will be launching with our squad of 48. There was a strong connection from the very beginning as we shared our stories of God transforming us over the years. Even though we had only met these young people, and only spent a week of our life with them, they have made their way deep into my heart. They have so much to teach me, even though I am old enough to be their Mom. Cynicism hasn’t had the chance to grow in their thinking, partly because they are still young and hopeful, but more importantly because they have seen first hand the power of Jesus Christ. They don’t see Jesus as a boring god but know Him first hand as a miracle worker, creator and God of all. They have lived lives apart from Him and have no desire to ever go back to the status quo of expecting nothing and getting nothing. They pray and expect to hear from God. They listen and do what He asks of them – even if it is hard. I miss them like crazy because they inspire me to live a crazy life expecting God to move mountains too. The great thing is that they have already set a fire in our squad to believe God for big things on their journey. They have set the tone to be transparent and vulnerable with each other, to grow deep in their relationships. It is truly a beautiful sight to behold.

Training camp was more than I imagined it would be. Adventures in Missions has it pretty organized after doing this for so many years, however they are always striving to improve it which is really great. There were about 300 racers worshiping each night and connecting with God in a whole new exciting way – you could feel the energy in the room. It was interesting watching the dance of sorts happen as these young people tried to figure out how to connect with total strangers in a healthy way, to drop the masks that had been their prop for years. To realize that they were not the only one who wasn’t feeling like they fit in, to pry their eyes off their own insecurities and see that others have them too. To discover they need each other. To open up about wounds, choices, lies and destructive relationships to find freedom and love instead of judgement. I heard stories of healing, forgiveness and rebirth. We left feeling such love and admiration for these young lives. What a thrill to join them on this journey God has them on. We will be stateside reading blog entries and face timing when needed. We also get to join them on their debriefs 3 times during their nine month trip. How fun that we get to come alongside them encouraging them to finish strong and to be totally surrendered.

As exciting as all that is, there is something going on right here in Minnesota that has us equally stoked. Over this past year we have been meeting with a small band of young adults that are wanting to go deeper in their faith, to grow in their understanding of God and be with other like minded young people. We meet in our home, not a grand setting but a place of quiet refuge. These young adults are like family to me (well some of them are actually family). Most of them are not the adventure seeking type that are attracted to the World Race, they are solid young people who want to know how to live out their faith in their schools and places of work. They inspire me. Over the summer we have invited young adults in the area that we have connections with to come once a month for a BBQ and worship night. I was expecting maybe 30 the first night but somehow over 50 young people showed up! The last BBQ we had was the day after coming home from training camp – talk about hitting the ground running. It was a smaller group of about 35 but the time was sweet and intimate. I don’t exactly know what is going to happen as a result of the relationships that have connected through this time but I know that it is good. Our desire is to come alongside this next generation and spur them on to love and good deeds. To walk in obedience by the power of the Holy Spirit. To be the generation that shines the love of Christ to a lost world.

I was feeling a little discouraged early yesterday. I finally had slowed down enough to feel. The high from training camp was long gone. The highlight of my day was finding my kitchen after 4 days of being on our mission to our city, which left my house looking neglected. I started thinking about our squad and how they might be struggling too as they are looking forward to launch in September. I prayed for them as I often do. Later that same day a young friend of ours came over with a friend of hers. As soon as she said her name I knew who she was. 3 years before, this young girl had hung herself from a tree. She died that day. Somehow she was brought back to life but put in a coma to heal. I remember seeing the prayer request on Facebook and crying as I prayed. I read her Caring Bridge site every day, waiting to hear if she would make it. The news wasn’t good. Visions of her being in a vegetative state or paralyzed from the impact on her neck. I prayed, many prayed. How often have I prayed for people who post their needs on Facebook, never to hear the answer. But yesterday an answer to prayer walked into my home. This beautiful, radiant 19 year old girl who loves JESUS was standing before me reminding me that THIS is what I live for. No one is too far gone for Jesus. No one is beyond reach. I want to be a person that helps these young people learn to fight the battles that are out there trying to take them down. I know that I am just a Mom with no formal training, but I know personally the ONE who is able to fight alongside them. I want to see people as God does, living victorious lives for HIS Kingdom.

There are a few things I want to leave you with:

• God is POWERFUL! He still heals and raises people from the dead! Believe it!
• God wants to have a personal relationship with you that includes a 2 way conversation.
• Prayer works! Don’t give up if you don’t see the answer in the timing you think it should or the way you want it to be answered. God has a much bigger and better perspective then we do – Trust Him!
• There is enough in this world to beat people up – show kindness, love and forgiveness to those around you.

Awakening

Recently I had a vision of sorts go fleeting through my mind.  It was a scene from Beauty and the Beast.  The rose was dropping petals, signifying time running out.  People I knew, my church, my world of work, eat, sleep, was represented in gray.  Everyone was going through the motions, doing their duty but lacking in life/joy.  The vision I had was similar to that moment when Belle and the Beast realize their love for each other and are transformed.  That love transformed not only the 2 of them but all those around them.  I realized that this represents the church.  Time is running out, Jesus is waiting for us to recognize that He loves us and in return fall in love with HIM.  We have gotten so good at doing life/church by going through the motions that we have lost the joy.  It’s not too late.  I have witnessed first hand as God has been revealing Himself to young people (and old) and that love is transforming them.

As my kids were entering their teens I remember how discouraged I felt at the reports of young people leaving the church in greater numbers than ever.  I knew my own journey had left me disillusioned by the church for a number of years as I saw men that I had respected fall with huge moral failings that threatened to take down whole families.  The church is full of broken people that can’t be “fixed” with programs and good behavior.  It is only through the Holy Spirit transforming each person from the inside out that we will see change.  The Holy Spirit is a gift of love when we choose to follow Jesus.  Unfortunately, the mobs are still shouting loudly trying to cause division, keeping many from the love they desperately desire.  Even as young people have walked away from church, I have seen many discover the bigger, broader CHURCH through journeys like the World Race, YWAM, CRU or other adventures that have shown them the love of Christ in tangible ways.  There is an awakening that is happening as they discover the love God has for them and that is overflowing from them.  My hope would be that these young people would ask God where He wants them to give back this love that they have discovered.  I have personally met former prostitutes who are now beautiful brides of the King of Kings – transformed by the power of God’s love.  Safe places like Wipe Every Tear, Thistle Farms and many others are growing as the lady boys, prostitutes, drug addicts come to the table, with nothing to offer, and are loved.  The Bible says that man looks on the outside but God looks at the heart.  Isn’t it time that we do the same?

Our churches are dying.  You see it all over as buildings crumble, people are too busy to bother or tired of the drama, rules, performance.  But I have hope.  Since coming alongside the  young adults in our congregation and those who have gone on the World Race (including my son), I am excited to see the church alive and well.  I have worshipped alongside these young people and witnessed first hand the transformation happening as they understand the love of the Father for them.  I believe that as we open our church doors and welcome these tattoo covered, adventure seeking young people that we will discover that same freedom of being loved unconditionally.

I do believe that there is a time to repent (change).  I think that time is now.  Let’s let go of trying to live by rules that man has made, rules that hinder the Gospel message and not advance it.  Let’s let go of our pride that says we have this church thing figured out.  Let’s make room for change that can only come from a spirit of humble anticipation of what God may have in store for us as we invite the Holy Spirit into our homes and churches.  Let’s turn our hearts to heaven and listen to God’s voice.  Let’s do what He asks.  Let’s love as Jesus loves.  Let’s quit searching for the perfect church and commit to change within God’s church that He has planted us in.  God intended the Church to be US all along.  Let’s represent HIM well as we love as He loves.

Wake up Church!  Time is short.

Island Life

This time of year I’m really longing to be on some tropical island soaking up the sun.  Our kitchen remodel took up all our resources making a trip like that just a dream this year.  However, my new kitchen sports a pretty good size island that I have claimed as my own.

When we started this project we knew from the beginning that this would be a place to gather.  We had a vision of God using our home to draw people to Him.  Before we even moved into this home almost 15 years ago it has been blessed.  The previous owners met with us to help us understand how to care for all the plants and trees (which we have failed miserably at).  As they were parting they asked if they could pray for us.  I still can remember the goose bumps I felt as they layed hands on us, standing on the front porch and prayed a blessing over our home and family.  From that day forward we have continued to pray that our home would be a place of refuge.  God has answered that prayer over and over as he has brought different people through our doors – some for a moment, a few hours, a meal, a place to sleep for a night or even years.  We had prayed that we could be a blessing but what actually has happened is that we have been blessed by all those who have walked through our doors.

This island is special to me because it is a DIY project using part of my old kitchen.  I wanted a reminder of what used to be.

We took the base of the U shape bottom cupboards and added one of the upper cupboards at the end of the island to house all my small appliances.  I could see what it would look like when finished but my husband seriously was operating on blind faith that this would even turn out.  He did such a fantastic job!

We live in a neighborhood close to the Mississippi River.  There is an island that my kids and our whole family have played on over the years – Peace Island.  We swim across the river, lose all track of time, and escape all the worries of life.  There used to be a fun rope swing that I never exactly mastered but boy did we laugh.  The memories that have happened on that island are priceless – swimming, digging in the sand, looking for agates, talking, watching storms come in (and hurrying home), watching the sun start to set and realizing it was time to head back before being eaten alive by mosquitoes.  It really gave my kids a Tom Sawyer experience growing up.  I loved that we didn’t have to travel far to have adventures and make memories.

When I set out to create this kitchen island, that was the feeling I wanted it to have.  It sounds crazy but what I wanted was a place to connect, make memories, lose track of time… all without mosquitoes!  We have been living the island life for almost a month now.  It has turned out to be far better than I had anticipated.  Already we have had many meals and conversations.  It’s where we connect at the end of the day and begin the next.  I’ve cried with friends, listened to adventures of young people who are living for God’s Kingdom, listened to people in transition, young people, old people and in between too, loved on people going through hard times, laughed as I watched goofy antics of people doing squats around the island, sat on hard stools to watch Netflix rather than go to a comfy place, worshipped and prayed.  This kitchen is holy ground.  My prayer is that all who enter will feel the Holy Spirit’s presence.  I may not have all the right words to say, but I will have a cup of tea to offer.  I can point you to the only One that I know can give HOPE in all situations – Jesus.  Always Jesus.

 

If you happen to be in the neighborhood – come to my island.  I would love to sit with you and chat.

Daring Greatly

Over Thanksgiving I had picked up a book that my son was reading for one of his classes.  Daring Greatly by Brene’ Brown was a book on vulnerability, I was curious.  The first thing that caught my eye was the difference between guilt and shame.  Guilt is something you have done (I lied).  Shame is something you are (I am a liar).  Obviously guilt is temporary, you learn from it and move on.  Shame weighs us down with a burden that we are never good enough.  I was no stranger to shame.  My first marriage had failed and I carried that shame for years.  But somewhere along the way I forgave myself.  I had other choices in my life that left me in shame but I had long ago discarded them at the foot of the cross.

My son had made a casual comment on the reactions of people in his class over this book as they examined it against their own lives.  It had a way of bringing out some pretty intense emotions.  My son had been a very easy going child but I wondered if his Dad and I had left wounds of shame in some parenting fail of ours.  I knew of one particular instance when he was fairly young.  It was one of those times as a parent where you wonder where you had gone wrong, how did this happen?  It was a huge deal at the time and we didn’t know if there would be long term ramifications.  We dealt with it the best we knew how and moved on and never talked about it again.  I wondered if instead of guilt he felt shame.  It had been over a decade but who knows what his perspective of that memory was, so I asked him about it.  I was really nervous but I knew we needed to talk about this so he could release his shame.  He looked at me blankly and said he had no idea what I was talking about.  Seriously.  For years I had watched him out of the corner of my eye, wondering if he was ok, if he was hurting, only to realize that I was the only one burdened by shame.  In an instant I saw how fear had completely overtaken my parenting.  Shame had held me hostage.  Shame whispered to me that I was not good enough, that I was failing, that my kids were going to be messed up…all lies but all very real to me for too long.  Here I thought that I had dealt with shame because I had attacked it head on in some big areas of my life.  The shame I saw in this moment were all the times that I had compared myself and fallen short, had given in to my worth coming from my performance, all those digs of criticism that I spoke to myself on a daily basis, all shoved deep inside me.  In an instant I saw all these seemingly meaningless moments of shame go across my mind like a movie screen.  I wept as I released all the years of lies that so many of us as Moms believe.

My son headed back to school and I ordered my own book from Amazon.  I have read many books over the years.  Many times books have similar messages but just repackaged information.  This book seems different somehow.  Brene’ Brown calls herself a “researcher, storyteller”.  Her stories make me think and her research just shows us that we are not alone.  The correlation she finds in her research of vulnerability shows that to have real joy you must be vulnerable.  Even as I write this I am very aware of the fact that I need to be careful with my words.  I write my story but my story interacts with other people’s stories that I have no right to share.  I cannot be vulnerable for another person but what I can do is be a safe person to be vulnerable with.  As I read this book I was convicted of all the times I have used shame or blame in my relationships.  I know it is a learned behavior and we live in a shame culture (just look at social media if you don’t believe that).  There is no way that we will ever live in a shame free environment, in fact that is why in her book she gives practical advice on becoming shame resistant.  But what I have walked away with from the time I have spent chewing over this book is that today I can choose to treat people with the same grace and forgiveness that I would want.  Today I can chose to use terms of guilt and not shame.  Today I can chose to love, myself, my family and even my enemies.  Today I can seek to understand and not to blame.  Today I can have compassion on those who are stuck in a cycle of shame, as hurting people hurt people, so do people feeling shame, shame others.

I remember a time in my life when I was very hurt.  I wanted revenge more than anything.  I wanted the person who had hurt me to feel the pain that I felt.  It consumed me as I thought of ways to get back at this person.  Thankfully there wasn’t FB at the time or I would have had some serious regrets.  One day I came upon a verse (Romans 12:19) that said that “Vengeance is Mine” says the Lord.  I let go that day of wanting to shame that person.  I trusted God to bring vengeance on the situation.  It has been almost 30 years and as far as I can tell NO vengeance has happened.  But I don’t even care.  In place of my anger and hurt, God has replaced it with joy.  I see people as broken.  When I think of this person, there is nothing they could do that would undo the hurt that happened.  I have moved on and they have moved on.  This book helped me better understand the shame that caused the situation in the first place.  It made me thankful that God gave me that verse to help me release control to Him.

Philippians 3:12-14 (ESV)  ¹² Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. ¹³ Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

There is way more to this book, I could go on and on.  I would highly recommend this book!  Who knew that shame and vulnerability could be so interesting?

 

Conviction

My life has been busy, not exciting, but busy with the day to day of work, keeping a home and trying to build into the young people in my life.  I was feeling pretty good about where God has me in this season of my life, comfortable even.  I have 3 different people that I have been reading through the Gospels with as a discipling tool.  The message is ringing loud and clear to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your might” and “To love my neighbor as myself” – A goal of any Christ follower but sometimes I wonder if I really understand what that looks like?

The other day at work I noticed a Muslim woman reading a label on our Bourbon Maple Syrup to see if it had alcohol in it’s ingredients.  We were serving it to kids so I’m pretty sure any alcohol in the bourbon barrel had cooked off.  However, I wouldn’t want her thinking it wasn’t tainted by alcohol somewhere in the process.  I commented to a friend at work about this and said “Depending on how devout she is, it could be a problem.”

My friend happens to be quite a bit more liberal then I am and doesn’t profess a belief in God.  We have had a few short conversations here and there when time allows.  I appreciate his viewpoint, even if it is different than mine.  If anything it expands my bubble that I have lived in while focusing on homeschooling my kids, helps me to understand the times.  This particular day my comment connected with him because he had been listening to a podcast that had to do with those who lived extreme in their beliefs vs. those who lived in the middle.  He said to me, “Marie, You and I are moderate in our thinking – which is good and healthy.”

The podcast in a nutshell suggested that perhaps we aren’t healthier hanging out in the middle  but maybe those who are passionate and sold out for their beliefs are the ones who are better/healthier in their thinking.  We talked a bit and I walked away heavy hearted.  The Bible says (Revelation 3:14-16) not to be lukewarm in our faith and yet here was my unbelieving friend complimenting me on that very thing.  I thought about telling him all the things I do that make me different, wanting to defend myself.  Obviously, my life doesn’t reflect the devotion and love of Christ that I thought it did.  Talk about conviction!

If I am honest, my heart can turn in an instant to the god of comfort, the god of “self”, wanting things to go my way and life to be easy.  This conversation was a wake-up call to me to turn my gaze continually on Jesus, to be surrendered to His plan.  The Bible tells us often to repent – which just means to turn back to the Father and His will.  Today I am thankful to have this shown to me.  I repent, knowing I am loved and forgiven by my heavenly Father.  I ask that He give me boldness and fan the flame within me to burn bright for the Kingdom of God.

“God is not interested in spiritual formulas.  You can quote the scriptures and be unchanged.  What He is looking for is the ones that have identified with His death and resurrection.  The ones that have His nature and want His authority in their lives.  Not a self centered love of how He can meet their needs but a sacrificial love of this day – I surrender all.”        Deon Vanstaden

 

The End of the Race – What’s Next?

My son Kyle has been home from his World Race Gap Year journey for about 3 months now.  If you would like to read about his journey, here is the link: KylePetersen.theworldrace.org.  He had an amazing nine months living in community with his team (family).  I can honestly say that he is not the same young man that he was when he left.  The maturity, love and conviction that have come to the surface in my child amaze me every day.  God is calling him to train to be a leader and go back on the race as a leader.  I’m excited for him to have a picture of what the next step looks like as he follows that vision.

The race was a time of growing, of living in community with purpose, being vulnerable, available and stretched.  Kyle misses the community living and the deep relationships that come from being together 24/7.  I listen as he struggles to assimilate back to the busy American culture of more work than adventure.  I know that there were hard times on the race but now looking back those are faint memories as the joy filled days of constant people are what he longs for.  He thinks that no one can understand what he is feeling – the grief, the loss, the longing, the void, the anticipation of the next step.

As I listen to my 21 year old son, I find myself relating in many ways to all of those feelings.  My youngest child just graduated high school and we have an empty nest to face in the next few years.  I would have never dreamed in the beginning that we would choose the route of homeschooling our kids but that is where God lead us.  Over 21 years ago I left the work place to be a stay home Mom – to lead and disciple my tribe.  We did a radical thing when we walked away from traditional school to learn at home.  Our goal from the beginning was to parent with purpose, to be vulnerable, to be a safe place for our kids to grow in who their were meant to be, to love them unconditionally, to make the most amazing memories together and to point our kids to Christ.  Oh there were hard days, but when I look back I long for the joy filled days of living in community 24/7.  There is a richness in my relationship with my kids that has come from a common journey – and now this portion of the journey is over.  I couldn’t be prouder of the journeys that each of my 4 children are on, we have done our job to the best of our ability and God has blessed it.  Their individual Kingdom journeys are just beginning, and yes they will intertwine with mine often, but it will never be the same as those relaxed precious moments of learning on the couch day after day.

As much as I grieve the loss of that sweet time we have shared as a family, what I am really feeling is an uncertainty of what the future holds.  My husband and I need to have community with a “tribe” of like minded people.  We don’t want to live to pay the bills and fall into bed exhausted without connecting on a relational level with anyone.  We are created to be in relationship and the busier I get the emptier I feel.  I’m not looking to parent all over again – that season is finished.  I am waiting on God to show us the next step for us as a couple.  In the meantime we are building into young adults in our life – encouraging them to live out their faith in a radical way.  The blessing of being around young adults is that their passion rubs off on us and inspires us to continue to grow in our own Kingdom journey.

The Gift of Friends

I love spending time in the kitchen, especially when the snow is falling and I’m making comfort food for my family.  Tonight my meal of choice brings a smile to me as I remember getting this recipe from a good friend of mine.  It wasn’t just the recipe, it was the thoughtfulness that came with it.  I had been feeling discouraged (this was several years ago) and putting into practice giving my burdens to the Lord.  Our budget was stretched to the limit and I had used most of our groceries that were in the house.  The kids and I had been reading books about missionaries and the amazing faith they had,  mine felt pretty small.  It’s so easy to just whip out the credit card until a better day, the temptation was there but I wanted to experience something deeper than my own problem solving… so I prayed.  My friend had no idea of my prayer, however she is good friends with the One I prayed to and felt the prompting to be the answer to my prayer.  My eyes filled up when I found her at my door, just hours after my prayer for provision, with a menu for a week, including simple recipes, and bags of groceries to make every one of the meals possible.  I’ve seen her reach out to others in similar ways over the years and always I wish that I were more like her but mostly I’m just thankful to call her my friend.

One of my friends has this incredible gift of making everyone she is friends with think that they are her best friend.  She just has this way about her that is so engaging.  I rarely get to spend time with her (she lives out of the country) but when I do I know we will pick up right where we left off and I will be the center of her attention for the short time we have together.  I watch her from a distance at times and see that she engages in her other friends in the same way she does with me.  I don’t feel jealous of the fact that she has other friends, it makes me smile to see her in her element of making people feel special, and I long to have that gift.

My friends come in all sizes, shapes and ages.  Some friends I have known for most of my life, some I have worked hard to get to know, some have fallen into my life as a gift from God. others have only been for a season.  My deepest friendships have happened when I thought I had nothing in common, only to discover a richness as our lives intertwine and we get past the superficial. I love when that happens.  We have friends we camp with every year, and others that we only get to see infrequently.  Some of my friends are serious and some are crazy fun.  I’ve been hurt by friendships that have gone awry, self doubt keeping me from trusting when new friends come into my world.  It would be so much easier to stick to my life long friends or maybe just my family and not take the risk of being vulnerable.  Then I remind myself that most of the time it has been worth it to take the time to get to know another person beyond the surface, to share my humor, my faith, my fears and all the other things that make me uniquely me.  I hope that somehow what I have to offer as a friend is as encouraging as what my friends offer to me.  Friendship is a two way street, even if I think, in my comparison, that I fall short of what some of the beautiful women in my life seem to offer so effortlessly.

Over the years my friends have been there through every possible situation that I could possibly need a friend through.  When I was a young Mother going through a divorce, scared to death of my future, it was my friends who listened to me cry, spent endless hours with me, boosted my ego that was badly deflated.  One friend went out of her way and invited me to her church, knowing that if there was any hope for lasting peace that would be where I could find it.  She was right and I’m with the same church family today, with all the friendships that have come along with being  part of a church body.  My friends celebrated with me when I met my husband Drew and started our life together, rejoicing with me in this second chance of the family I had dreamed of.  They brought meals and babysat as our children joined our family.  When my Mom died I called my best friend and asked if she would change that sheets of my parent’s bed before my Dad had to go home to an empty house.  It was a lot to ask but I knew that she would do anything for me, in fact would want to do something.  Another friend just showed up at my door the morning after with a thermos of coffee and some homemade muffins, she sat with me just to show that she cared.  My friends showed up in an overwhelming way at Mom’s funeral, reminding me that I was not alone.   When our family went to Africa last year for a few months we came home to a banner and notes from our friends, plus our cupboards full of food.  Crazy how loved we felt as we saw all the names of friends who were involved in our surprise.  All of them with busy lives but willing to take time out of their schedule to make us feel special.

Friendship is not something that I take lightly.  I often times wish that I were a better friend.  Sometimes it seems that I can barely hang on with the responsibilities of keeping my own family on track, the thought of reaching out to a friend seems like it will throw life into chaos.  I ask myself why it seems so effortless to others when I have to plan out ways to spend any time with my friends or meet a need that they might have.  At times I feel lonely, despite knowing a friend is just a phone call away.  I don’t want to be a burden or interrupt another persons time with her family.  When I have friends that are in the middle of grief or other personal struggles, I can avoid reaching out because I’m so afraid of saying or doing something wrong.  I know that I am not alone in these feelings, but I also know how greatly I have been ministered to by friends that have thrown the doubts out the window and have chosen to just be there for me.  I want to be that kind of person who will stop at a moments notice to be a friend.  I may not always succeed in action but I will often pray for my friends when they come to mind, whether I know of a need or not.  Now if I could just chose to pick up the phone when I’m done with my prayer to encourage that friend out loud… I’m working on that.

The whole time I have been writing this my Facebook “Friends” did not come to mind until just now.  I love how FB has brought me back in touch with so many people from my past.  I love how quickly I can get prayer requests out and how quickly information to pray about can get to me.  I love all the birthday greetings too 🙂  Just a few days ago I realized my daughter’s 16 birthday was coming up and we had only one free evening to fit in a friend party.  It was completely last minute but somehow 6 of her friends were able to come over and spend time with her.  My daughter does not have FB by her own choice.  Listening to the laughter, talking and all the interactions that night was far more encouraging than 400 Facebook greetings would ever be.  There is just something about looking a person in the eye, with tears or laughter, and knowing you have their full attention.

Friendship is one of the greatest gifts in life.  To have a husband who is your best friend is sweet.  To have children that are or will one day be your friends is priceless.  To grow old with people who have been with you through all of life’s ups and downs is truly a gift from above.  All of these friends are to me just a taste of the friendship I have with Jesus.  He is always there, ever faithful, always listening, loyal and true.  It is through my relationship with Jesus that I can see the value He puts in people.  If there is one true friend I want to be more like it would be my friend Jesus.  To have compassion, love, kindness and joy like He has is definitely worth striving for in my own friendships.